


im your sassy gay best friend slash world weary moirail depending on whether youre watchin the human or troll version either way im played by rupert everett

by itsdave



Category: Homestuck
Genre: F/F, M/M, Meteorstuck, Retcon Timeline
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-15
Updated: 2020-03-15
Packaged: 2021-03-01 04:49:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,180
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23149552
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/itsdave/pseuds/itsdave
Summary: Dave has exciting news.
Relationships: Dave Strider/Karkat Vantas, Rose Lalonde/Kanaya Maryam
Comments: 35
Kudos: 212





	im your sassy gay best friend slash world weary moirail depending on whether youre watchin the human or troll version either way im played by rupert everett

turntechGodhead [TG] began trolling tentacleTherapist [TT]  


TG: yo rose  
TG: congratulations  
TT: Oh my. I shudder to think what might have happened to warrant the celebrations that are apparently in order.  
TG: what seriously  
TG: somebody tells you congratulations the first thing you think is oh great what bad thing could this possibly be  
TG: thats some cynical shit rose  
TG: like i know you used to shop at hot topic  
TG: but damn  
TT: I’m afraid it’s my brand.  
TT: Even though all the Hot Topics are dead, I carry their message inside my soul.  
TT: It’s my legacy.  
TG: holy shit  
TG: that woulda looked awesome on a hot topic tshirt  
TT: If only our world had been allowed to persist.  
TT: Who knows what other awesome t-shirts I might have pioneered.  
TG: wow  
TG: thats...  
TG: thats actually kind of sad  
TT: Sorry.  
TT: I forgot this is meant to be a happy occasion.  
TT: _Apparently._  
TG: yeah it totally is  
TT: Great.  
TT: So why don’t you tell me what the good news is, and I’ll flip through my closet of knockoff diy post-apocalyptic Hot Topic t-shirts for the appropriate response.  
TT: Maybe I’ll surprise us both.  
TG: ok cool  
TG: so check it  
TG: ...  
TT: ...?  
TG: youre an aunt  
TT: ...  
TT: What?  
TG: you heard me  
TG: and you know what even if you didnt turns out were writing to each other you can just peek up a couple lines and check it again at your leisure  
TT: I guess I can...  
TT: It’s almost as if my confusion doesn’t stem from difficulties in hearing, but from incredulous bemusement.  
TG: nothin incredulous about this bemusement  
TG: welcome to the wide world of aunthood rose  
TT: Ah yes now it’s all so clear.  
TG: good  
TG: hows it feel  
TT: It feels like you and Karkat are up to some nonsense.  
TG: what theres nothing nonsensical about being a parent rose i know we didnt have the best ever role models but cmon take this seriously  
TT: Alright, let me rephrase this.  
TT: While I know troll reproduction is bisexual, I’m afraid it seems our species is quite incompatible with theirs on that front.  
TT: At least by the more conventional Earth methods.  
TG: oh  
TT: I know this for a fact, Dave.  
TG: oh no  
TT: Through _extensive_ research.  
TG: god fucking dammit  
TT: And I was thoroughly convinced you did as well.  
TG: i am not having this conversation  
TT: But if you two have somehow stumbled upon a new technique that proves the conventional wisdom wrong, then I am all ears.  
TG: no  
TG: ug  
TG: why does this always happen  
TT: You walked right into that one, Dave.  
TT: I will apologize for nothing.  
TT: But I will offer, as an olive branch dipped in the irony you hold so dear, this suggestive smirky face:  
TT: 😏  
TG: oh my god  
TG: fuck  
TG: we made a plant ok  
TT: ...  
TT: A plant?  
TG: yeah  
TG: our block was lookin hella dreary so we alchemized a little succulent  
TG: it was cute and fun til you made it weird  
TT: _I_ made it weird?  
TG: fuck yes you did  
TT: Dave, you approached me, utterly unprompted, with the insistence that you and Karkat, your serious romantic partner, had somehow birthed a child together.  
TT: And _I‘m_ the one making it weird by introducing sex into the equation?  
TG: yes you fucking are  
TT: Oh no!  
TT: It’s...  
TT: It’s happening again!  
TG: ??  
TT: 😏  
TG: jesus fuck  
TT: I’m sorry. What am I thinking?  
TT: This is supposed to be a joyous time for you.  
TG: thank you yes it is  
TT: Have you picked out a name yet?  
TG: yeah of course we have  
TT: And that is?  
TG: snoop dogg vantas-strider  
TT: I can’t possibly imagine who had the final say in that one.  
TG: well i got to pick the first name  
TT: *Gasp*  
TG: but that meant karkat got to do his last name first  
TG: were gonna switch off for the next one  
TT: This is going to wreak havoc on the school rolls.  
TG: naw its cool everybodys gonna know theyre related theyre gonna be the only succulents on the block with dope ass shades  
TT: Oh god, did you...?  
TG: naw not yet  
TG: we decided thats a decision he can make when hes older  
TG: dont wanna force that on a kid  
TT: That’s... a very wise decision, I think.  
TG: thanks we thought so too  
TT: What prompted this new addition to the family, if I may ask?  
TG: i told you  
TG: our respite block was lookin sad as hell its a sea of shitty movie posters and even shittier comics in there rose  
TG: i know its our style but its also been our style since we were 13 we thought we could use a little greenery  
TG: call it creeping maturity  
TT: Believe it or not i _was_ tempted to call it that.  
TG: nice  
TT: I’m not talking in decorative terms.  
TG: oh boy whats this gonna be  
TT: Although I _am_ thrilled to hear that you’re moving beyond home goods featuring Sweet Bro or Hella Jeff’s head...  
TG: whoa who the fuck said anything about moving on  
TT: I wonder if this sudden urge to ironically play at starting a family with Karkat stems from a more genuine place.  
TG: wait  
TG: what the fuck rose  
TT: It’s a valid question.  
TG: uh last i checked no its not not when youre sixteen  
TT: Are you sure about that?  
TT: I realize that as we’re both in same-sex, inter-species relationships we’re more or less doubly safeguarded against it...  
TG: oh my god  
TT: But countless teenagers our age and even considerably younger have been faced with just such a question, many without a say in the matter.  
TG: oh yeah lucky us thank god we didnt have to grow up too fast or anything due to circumstances imagine how much that woulda sucked  
TT: Touché.  
TG: thanks  
TG: ...  
TG: so does that mean you  
TG: um  
TG: boy i feel like im gettin weirdly personal here but to be fair you did bring this up first  
TG: so im just gonna chant that like a war cry holdin out my stupid ass spear while i charge the giant impenetrable fortress of genuine sibling concern slash interest  
TG: dont know what i think im gonna achieve here im just stabbin a stone wall with a shitty pointy stick all by myself  
TG: the rest of my armys back at the trench they told me not to do it they said its a suicide mission but i cant hear them over my dumb ass war cry  
TT: You want to know if I’ve considered starting a family with Kanaya.  
TG: oh hey what do you know i stabbed in just the right spot the whole big stone wall collapsed and crushed me to death  
TG: not sure it really counts as breaching a wall if youre just under it  
TT: It’s a reasonable question, Dave.  
TT: As you pointed out with your adorable little war cry that became your last words as you were smashed to a pulp, I _am_ the one who brought it up.  
TG: i mean  
TG: yeah  
TT: There’s clearly evidence that I’ve considered it just as much, if not more than you with your adorable hyphenated plant offspring.  
TG: whoa wait  
TT: I’ve thought about it.  
TT: A lot.  
TG: oh  
TT: Of course I think I might be in a special situation.  
TT: Kanaya does, after all, consider herself charged with the perpetuation of her entire species.  
TG: oh shit thats right  
TG: i guess parenthood must come up a lot huh  
TG: like for every time karkat and i are arguing about dane cook you guys are literally tryna figure out how to avert troll extinction  
TT: I’m not trying to diminish your own problems, Dave.  
TT: I’m sure you and Karkat have deeper conversations than the merits of Dane Cook’s supposed ability to carry a movie for an entire two hours.  
TG: naw go ahead and diminish it its fine we do talk about that a LOT  
TG: its just most of the time theres real deep subtext thats invisible to the untrained ear  
TT: I’m sure.  
TG: its like a whole language  
TG: there are untold worlds in the ways you can discuss that stupid smarmy way too puffy face that for some reason karkat cant get enough of  
TT: I can only imagine.  
TG: but uh back to you and kanaya you guys actually talk about that stuff?  
TG: even with all the  
TG: you know  
TG: extenuating circumstances and shit  
TT: ...That depends.  
TT: Which extenuating circumstances and shit do you mean?  
TT: That I’m in love with someone who has no working knowledge of the concept of family as I understand it?  
TT: But is wracked with guilt and fear over her own understanding that I myself have virtually no context for?  
TT: Or that my own upbringing has left me with such a warped concept of family that I don’t know if I even have a firm grasp on the version I’m meant to be representing anyway?  
TT: Or that I’m actually not sure if it’s something I’d like to pursue at all, but I do feel distinctly cheated of the privilege of sorting out whether that’s due to nature or (lack of) nurture.  
TT: Or maybe I should allay all those anxieties by focusing on the grand overarching fact that none of this may matter anyway, since we are rapidly approaching the end of our journey and a future that is unknowable in every way apart from the inescapable weighty certainty of extreme peril.  
TG: ...  
TG: i guess you have been thinking about this a lot  
TT: Oh god.  
TT: I’m so sorry.  
TT: That was a wall of text, wasn’t it?  
TT: I didn’t mean for all of that to come out.  
TT: ...  
TT: I’m realizing now that I may have been projecting a little onto what, at its root, may have been nothing more than an adorably dumb joke about a houseplant.  
TG: ayy sweet plant pun  
TT: What?  
TT: Oh.  
TT: Root.  
TG: hell yeah dont let anybody tell you you dont still got it rose you totally do  
TT: Who’s been spreading that terrible slander?  
TG: heh  
TG: no but for real dont worry youre not goin off the deep projecting end  
TG: like everything you said pretty much totally applies to me too  
TG: apart from the whole continuing the race thing like if thats on karkat hes bein hella cagey about it just between you and me i think hes droppin the ball hard on that one  
TT: Heh.  
TG: its a good thing we got kanaya as a backup  
TT: It probably is.  
TG: so yeah i mean while we pretty much did just make this dumb plant as a joke  
TG: i definitely think about the future sometimes  
TG: and so does he  
TG: and very occasionally we even sort of talk about it buried beneath ten layers of argument over the shape of dane cooks eyebrows  
TT: That sounds nice.  
TG: haha what  
TG: really?  
TG: cuz from my end that sounds like the silliest shit ever shat its my life but im not afraid to admit that  
TT: Yes, well...  
TT: It’s still communication.  
TG: wait hold up  
TG: have you guys like  
TG: not  
TG: actually talked about this ever  
TG: i thought the whole point here was you talk about this a lot  
TT: No, we talk about the Matriorb.  
TT: Possible ways we could circumvent its necessity...  
TT: Find a new one...  
TT: Ectobiologize the old one...  
TT: It works the incredible trick of keeping my own concerns fresh in my mind, but at the same time making them seem terribly insignificant compared to hers.  
TT: It’s quite the one-two punch.  
TG: shit rose  
TT: So I usually opt not to bring them up at all.  
TG: thats  
TG: man im sorry that sucks  
TG: i mean i totally get it  
TG: but it sucks  
TT: It does indeed suck.  
TG: you know if she knew how much this was getting to you shed totally want to talk to you about this right  
TG: like she loves you theres no way shed actually want you to think your problems are too small or do this self sacrificing bullshit  
TG: youre not stupid rose you know that  
TT: Wow.  
TG: what  
TG: ?  
TG: rose you cant just type wow after someone gives you advice and leave it at that that word could mean like twelve different things  
TT: Sorry.  
TT: Honestly, I was just reflecting on how much Karkat has rubbed off on you.  
TG: oh  
TG: haha yeah im not sure if its him or just his stupid movies  
TT: Is there a difference?  
TG: you know sometimes i cant tell  
TT: Heh.  
TG: yeah but anyway that tracks were in one of karkats terrible romcoms im your sassy gay best friend slash world weary moirail depending on whether youre watchin the human or troll version either way im played by rupert everett  
TT: Ha!  
TG: and im here to tell you in no uncertain terms to talk to your girl  
TT: Yes. I know that I should.  
TT: It’s just...  
TT: Every day we get closer to the end of our journey.  
TT: And what comes after that is nothing but an enormous question mark.  
TT: Rocking the boat now feels... fruitless.  
TT: In three months’ time either everything will work out as planned and we’ll have all the time we could want to think about the future...  
TT: Or it won’t.  
TT: And there won't be a future to think about.  
TT: So why bother with it now?  
TG: shit  
TT: Sorry.  
TT: This is a lot to lay at your feet when all you wanted to do was ironically tell me you’d somehow given birth to a cactus.  
TG: its a succulent not a cactus  
TT: Oh. My mistake.  
TG: its an important distinction theres no thorns its hells less painful  
TT: Haha.  
TG: yeah but seriously i get what youre saying  
TG: in fact not to do my own projecting here but i bet everybody would  
TG: were all in the same boat  
TG: youre not admitting to anything weird here is what im gettin at  
TT: Yes, you’re probably right.  
TG: but yknow you and i are probably way more in the same boat what with our relationships and uh  
TG: concerns about the future  
TG: like were not just in the same boat were sharin a seat  
TG: both tryna row with the same paddle  
TG: the camp counselors like yall know theres other paddles on this boat right  
TG: and were like nope were good were just gonna try to awkwardly share this one janky ass paddle fallin stupid in gay love with somebody whos not our species and not god tier and we all may only have three months to live this is our choice were good with that  
TG: and then we flip the whole canoe over  
TT: ...I’m not sure I’ve ever seen an analogy so simultaneously absurd and devastating.  
TG: obviously you dont talk to me enough  
TT: Hahaha.  
TG: yeah i guess what im sayin is if you dont feel like you can talk to kanaya about this even though that is definitely a thing you should be doing  
TG: you can talk to me  
TG: um  
TG: and me talking to you might also be a thing thats nice  
TT: That would be nice.  
TG: cool  
TT: Cool.  
TG: what are you doin right now  
TG: you wanna come over and see the new addition  
TG: i mean i donno if we can have a real private heart to heart at the moment cuz karkats here  
TG: and also snoop if were gonna keep up the ironic charade of pretending hes a real person and not just a plant  
TG: for the record we do know hes just a plant we havent like gone insane with three years of cabin fever were not hallucinating  
TG: were not spongebob and patrick in that episode where they try to raise a scallop  
TT: The thought had not crossed my mind.  
TT: Now, however, I can’t seem to shake the image.  
TG: naw it wouldnt work we decided years ago im sandy and hes plankton  
TT: ...  
TT: Oh my god.  
TT: That is _perfect_.  
TG: i know right  
TG: anyway  
TG: what im sayin is if you wanna come talk i can get karkat to take baby snoop out for some fresh stale laboratory air  
TG: or you can just hang out with both of us if you want we havent done that in a while it might be nice  
TT: Yes. That does sound nice.  
TT: You don’t have to ask Karkat to leave. This is already much more than I was planning on talking about this today, which was none, and I think I’m well beyond done with it for the time being.  
TG: thats cool  
TT: Besides, I’m intrigued by the idea of seeing the two of you carry out this adorable child rearing scenario.  
TG: oh its so adorable you have no idea were the best dads ever  
TT: I’m sure you’re the very picture of American family values.  
TG: hell yeah we are  
TG: turns out a couple teen alien dudes in love raising up a succulent they named after two different species versions of a dead rapper was the real american family values all along  
TG: who knew  
TT: Oddly enough, I think your case might be the current pinnacle of American family values, purely by default.  
TG: haha yeah youre right  
TT: Somewhere Billy Graham is rolling in the grave he never got.  
TG: he totally is  
TT: ...You have no idea who that is, do you?  
TG: ok maybe i dont know him personally or specifically or anything  
TT: Ha!  
TG: but i like to think hed be mad proud of us  
TT: I’m sure he would be.  
TT: Alright, I’m coming over. I should be there in ten minutes or so.  
TG: cool  
TT: All jokes aside...  
TG: whoa easy there lalonde  
TT: I know, perish the thought.  
TT: But seriously... I actually think you and Karkat will make very good parents someday, if you ever decide to move on from ironic plants.  
TG: oh  
TG: uh  
TG: thanks  
TG: ...  
TG: same?  
TT: Haha, thank you, Dave.  
TT: You know, as hopelessly awkward as that response was, it was actually somewhat heartening.  
TG: good cuz it was real awkward  
TT: And thank you for...  
TT: You know.  
TG: yeah of course  
TT: I’ll see you soon.  
TG: cool cant wait  


tentacleTherapist [TT] ceased trolling turntechGodhead [TG]  



End file.
